Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Confessions of a net addict

You know what,,,,,whenever I enter this world of “Internet” everything else cease to exist for me. Then it’s just me & this amazing world of “world wide website”. This virtual world is so beautiful that I forget everything else,,,I’m just too lost in it. Just one click opens the world of people like me (bloggers),,,one more click & I get to know whatever I want to,,,one more click & even my friends from real world are connected to me,,,,yeah one click,,,just one click & I’m in heaven. My worries,,,my restlessness ,,,my emptiness everything vanishes when I enter this world. People don’t understand why I’m addicted to this world,,,they keep on asking me what’s there in this virtual world,,,but they don’t know,,,my life is here,,,, “world becomes a better place when I go online”

I can open my heart ,,speak up my mind,, share my problems ,,I can be myself here. This world attracts me towards itself like a magnet. I just love this world.

But like any other kind of addiction,,this addiction also has its side-effects.

Let me share my experience with you.

I was like so addicted to this virtual world that I actually stopped sharing my problems with people in person. I could only speak up my mind only when I used to come online,,,I just needed a friend to be online,,no matter who & I spit out my mind and till now I’m facing this problem,,or I just spit it here on my blog. I remember once I was upset & when my friend asked me the reason,,I was quiet,,,,and then he said, “okay,,,I’ll read it in your blog.” I have to pretend that everything is fine with me because I can just type my mind,,,I can’t speak it.

Absentmindedness is also a gift of this addiction. Most of the time I was busy in my virtual world,,,I had no time for anything else. This virtual world & things related to it kept my mind busy & I started ignoring this real world. Height of this absentmindedness is that I lost my cell,,,sometimes I forget to say what I wanted to,,,sometimes I forget very basic things like if I have taken lunch or not. Once I received a call & I was asked how my was friend ABC,,,I was like “………………..” for few seconds I kept thinking who is ABC & then I remembered ABC is one of my best friends.

I’m still very good with my friends but this virtual world has really affected my relation with my family. When I’m asked is my mom or dad or anyone in family home or not,,,most of the time I don’t know the answer. Once my best friend from school asked me about my cousin (who is my best friend since childhood),,,very casually I told her that he’s home because I thought so but then she told me that she talked to him moments before & he was out of station and I felt so ashamed of myself. On other occasion when my same friend asked me how my project work was going on,,,I asked who told her about that,,,she replied that my di told her that,,,I was taken aback,,,I never share anything with my di,,,how come she knew about my project??? On asking di,,,I got to know that she heard me talking about project with my friends on phone. To be very honest I never know what’s happening in life of my di,,,though she gives every detail at home. I never know what choti is upto,,,whether mom or granny is home or not,,,what time dad returns from office,,,I’ve absolutely no knowledge.

A strange thing happened when I bought a new pair of shoes & went to college wearing those shoes. My best friend said very casually, “ohhh so you are wearing aunty’s shoes???” I thought she was pulling my leg as I’m not very good at shopping & shoes I really hate so maybe my choice wasn’t good. I replied, “these I bought yesterday only,,,these are mine”. To that she replied, “But aunty has same pair of shoes.” I was like “……….” I came back home,,,asked mom to show me her shoes & guess what??? My mom had same pair of shoes. My best friend,,,who visits my home occasionally knew what pair of shoes my mom has & I,who live in same house,,don’t know,,strange???

I don’t remember when I talked to my mom last time,,,or to my granny or to my dad,,, of course when I need something I do ask but without reason I don’t talk to them. I don’t even talk properly to my sisters,,,I remember ,I always looked forward to meet my cousin but now a days I don’t even know when he comes & when he leaves home???

“I’m getting late for college”,,, “I won’t have breakfast”,,, “I won’t have lunch”,,,, “okay,,I’m just coming for dinner”,,,, “I need money”,,,, “some important work came up so I got late”,,,, “don’t disturb me”,,,, “don’t eat my brain”,,,, “I’m gonna slap you now” ,,,, “none of your business”,,,,I never use anything beyond these words at home.

Now if you are wondering how this addiction brought these changes in me,,,then let me tell you,,,these are not sudden changes,,,these are gradual changes. I was just going through my personal diary & I noticed,,,how often I used to mention in it what was going on in my family,,,slowly & slowly my blog took place of my family,,,then I started mentioning about my blog,,,then about my accounts in social networking sites,,,,then about my new blogger friends,,,,finally it was just me & my virtual world.

And hey,,it’s not the first time I’m writing about my addiction here,,,I’ve mentioned it many times before also. Many times I’ve tried to get de-addicted to internet & to some extent I’ve succeded,,,I’ve deleted or deactivated most of my accounts from social networking sites,,,now it’s just blogger & gmail that I use. Earlier when I tried to get de-addicted,,,I hadn’t thought of these side-effects,,,it was just days before when all these things came in my mind.

It has been seven months when my mamu was diagnosed with last stage of lung cancer & brain tumor. Things were very gloomy then. My mom being very emotional person,,,perhaps the most emotional person I’ve ever known,,,,cried her heart out for about days. But as they say time heals every wound so soon she accepted the truth. Since then she was telling me to visit him once,,,but I didn’t ,,,,I had some reasons but that’s a different issue. Only once I visited & that too I had to work on my seminar & my computer wasn’t working. Mom used to visit him twice or thrice a week. Last week,,,he got too serious,,,stopped talking,,,medicines stopped working ,,,he was in great pain. It had been three days since mom was there,,,but being in same house I didn’t know anything. Even dad visited everyday but I was unaware,,,I got to know about the matter when my granny told me that she’s gonna visit my mamu. I decided that I’ll visit him the next day but there was no next day,,,,,,,he left this world before I could visit him.

No matter how much my mom insisted me in past to visit her brother just once,,,,now she won’t ever mention that. In past one week I have seen my mom twice only,,,,and both times tears were accompanying her and trust me nothing can be worse than watching your mom like that. No matter how much I want to comfort her,,,I can’t because I’ll always have that guilt.

It feels better to have confessed everything here.

I’m really trying hard to bring some changes,,,but since these side-effects did not appear overnight so they won’t go overnight,,,,I’ve to work hard to start living in the real world,,,,no matter how beautiful this virtual world appears to me.

Monday, April 12, 2010

Guilty or innocent tag!!!

First of all, thanks to chanz and then to eko for tagging me. i love such tags

RULE 1- You can only say Guilty or Innocent.

RULE 2- You are not allowed to explain anything unless someone messages you and asks!

RULE 3- Copy and paste this into your notes, delete my answers, type in your answers and tag to your friends to answer this.

Asked someone to marry you? Innocent

Ever kissed someone of the same sex? Guilty

Danced on a table in a bar? Innocent

Ever told a lie? Guilty

Had feelings for someone whom you can’t have back? Guilty

Kissed a picture? Guilty

Slept in until 5 PM? Innocent

Fallen asleep at work/school? Guilty

Held a snake? Guilty

Been suspended from school? Innocent

Worked at a fast food restaurant? Innocent

Stolen from a store? Innocent

Been fired from a job? Innocent

Done something you regret? Guilty

Laughed until something you were drinking came out your nose? Guilty

Caught a snowflake on your tongue? Innocent

Kissed in the rain? Innocent

Sat on a roof top? Guilty

Kissed someone you shouldn't? Innocent

Sang in the shower? Guilty

Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on? Guilty

Shaved your head? Innocent

Had a boxing membership? Innocent

Made a boyfriend cry? Innocent

Been in a band? Innocent

Shot a gun? Innocent

Donated Blood? Innocent

Eaten alligator meat? Innocent

Eaten cheesecake? Innocent

Still love someone you shouldn’t? Guilty

Have/had a tattoo? Innocent

Liked someone, but will never tell who? Guilty

Been too honest? Guilty

Ruined a surprise? Innocent

Ate in a restaurant and got really bloated that you couldn’t walk afterward? Guilty

Erased someone in your friends list? Guilty

Dressed in a woman’s clothes (if you’re a guy) or man’s clothes (if you’re a girl)? Innocent
Joined a pageant? Innocent

Been told that you’re handsome or beautiful by someone who totally meant what they said? Guilty

Had communication with your ex? Innocent
Got totally drunk on the night before exam? Innocent

Got totally angry that you cried so hard? Guilty

It was fun...! loved answering all the questions...!
Thank you again chanz & eko

I would like to tag the following bloggers:
1. funkyrave
2. surbhit
3. tomz
4. G
5. jauntyanima
6. kedar
7. rahil


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