Wednesday, August 20, 2008

first backlog

Well it’s easy to say,” It doesn’t matter to me but somewhere it does matter.”
I am talking of getting your first backlog (as I got one in engineering). Only the person who has gone through this experience can understand what the meaning of getting a backlog is??
Well it doesn’t matter to everyone but only to those who have a sense of guilt. To many, it’s just the matter of luck, but how a person who hasn’t put all his efforts can blame luck?
Well I am talking about myself. Persons like me are never willing to work hard. So they have no other choice than to accept whatever destiny gives them & they accept it happily.
Most of the time I accept happily whatever comes to me, but this is only in case of studies because study is the only field in which I am not willing to put an extra effort so I have to accept whatever comes to me. As far as studies are concerned I am a very lazy and lethargic person but otherwise I am an extremely dynamic person. I don’t give up unless & until I get what I want. I feel very restless until I achieve my objective so I keep on trying harder & harder.
My attitude towards studies wasn’t like this before but even I didn’t realized when my attitude became like this. May be because I was too busy in exploring other expects of life that I started ignoring this one. I was a hard working student (not too hard working). To excel in exams was something that always propelled me to work harder. This attitude worked wonders for me & by the time I left my school life I was the topper. I do admit that in the last two years of my school life, I had stopped working that hard but still I was worried about my studies.
Well let’s not get carried away by that, coming back to the topic I have to say that when I first got to know from a friend of mine, that I had two backlogs in third semester, I was like “it’s ok doesn’t matter”, because I was expecting four backlogs so I accepted that happily. I was consoling others who got backlog with an attitude that “see I have backlog but still I am smiling”. But with the each passing second, I was getting into some sort of depression. It’s something that I am quite used to. This feeling was coming because of the fact that my classmates, whom I think are not as capable as I am, were all clear or had just one back log. Moreover almost all my close friends were all clear except two so I was feeling low. But then I got to know that I had just one backlog but still it was the same, I mean I had a backlog. The remark one of my friend when I told that I had only one backlog acted like an arrow straight at my heart. Unknowingly & unwillingly, my friend hurt me but that remark was a genuine one & wasn’t actually meant to hurt me. On that day I actually celebrated my failure with my closest friend. Till I was with her things were ok because she was also in same condition & we two shared our feelings & celebrated our failure. But things were not the same after that.
I being a very extrovert person always share everything that’s in my heart except a few things that are extremely personal to me & I don’t like sharing that with anyone not even with my closest friend. I am like an open book, whatever is going in my mind can be clearly seen on my face, so it was hard for me to pretend that I am fine & all that happened has no effect on me. Thank God, I had one of my closest friends with me who was in a similar position as that of mine so I was a bit relaxed with her. No one in my family knew about this except my cousin with whom I share most of my official problems (I mean problems related to study, career & all that). I could not tell my parents because they would scold me then as they always do, without even trying to understand their children. But this time they would have a genuine reason to scold me as I really didn’t gave that attention to my studies. I didn’t have that courage, I admit. So condition was even worse because for sharing anything about the trauma that I was going through, I had to wait for the college. I have used the word “trauma” because of the reason that when somebody is in some shock he or she will probably weep & after that he or she will feel light. This theory is more applicable for girls but I am an exception. In spite of being an emotional person I don’t weep or to be very precise I can say that tears don’t come out of my eyes. For me even a little emotional shock cause a great depression and it takes some time for me to get out of that, so this situation was a trauma for me. But only a few know about this thing about me, & I don’t want anyone to know my weakness because I want to built a very hard core image of mine & this thing doesn’t fit in that image. Why I want such image? The answer is still not clear to me. Well this may be because of the fact that I don’t have a brother & I somewhere I believe that I can be like that & to some extend I am like a tomboy. The other reason can be that I have I will live alone & for this I have to be strong.
So pretending to be happy was not easy & those who were close to me clearly understood that I was not fine but they were still unaware of what was actually going in my mind. When teachers were teaching, I only looked towards them without paying attention to what they were teaching because I was too lost in myself. At home pretending that everything is ok was even more difficult. It had become a sort of habit for me to come from college & start jotting down my experience on paper without talking to anyone. I was feeling very sad & lonely. Not because of the fact that I was actually alone but because I didn’t allowed anyone to come close to me. May be because I needed solitude & at the same time I was feeling like I am being ignored. I had developed a negative attitude. I was feeling jealous of my friends who were all clear. Strange! It was my fault & I was looking towards others like they were responsible for all that. That phase was very terrible because I could not speak up my mind. My solitude was my only companion. But somewhere I was actually feeling guilty because of the fact that I was genuinely responsible for this. Soon I got out of that phase & then I realized my friends were my greatest assets & they will always be. They were actually worried about me. I got to know about this after I realized that I should at least give them a chance to understand me & should speak to them. After I spoke to them, I was feeling very happy because they told me that they knew what I was going through & that’s why they were just giving space to me. But one of my friends had something different to say, she said she was angry with me as I was avoiding everyone & she wanted to scold me for that. I felt very happy after I got to know that because I always wanted my friends to be like that. I always want my friends to say anything to me as if they have full right on me, without fearing that how I would feel like. This is something I am going to remember for whole of my life. I’ll always be thankful to God for giving me such wonderful friends.
This was my first experience of getting first backlog & I hope the last also because I don’t know how I’ll feel if I’ll get another.

4 comments:

Anil Sharma @ anilsharma06041989@yahoo.com said...

hello sister,

I just never got it in my life and will always try to avoid it

Your brother Anil Sharma

reeti said...

hiii!!! after reading ur blog i've come 2 know abt things that u've not shared with us, i think u must have kept them for ur blog...well !!!i didn't know that u r into writing a diary & all ... i think it's this habit dat has forced u to write blog!!! well!!! out of all of us 5 ,i can expect such things from uu only...TOMBOY... by d way i didn't know dat u find us boring!!!!! i think dat u've a wrong notion abt us!!! anyway!!!! after reading ur THE FIRST BACKLOG i've realized that u were really crestfallen at that time....although i knew dat time ,u were very disturbed ... u stopped talking with us for days together...ofcourse i can understand !!!!when something bad happens , everything seems to be negative.. well!!!! i hope that i was not d one to tell u that u got only one backlog abt whom u've mentioned in ur blog... although if i was , i never meant it that way!!!!how can one be happy when one's closest friend is sad??????? well!! i'll pray that u never ever get a backlog in future.....at last i would say that u just rock ... always remain d way u are and be my friend FOREVER!!!!!!!

passionate stubborn said...

reeti dear it's not u who said that. EVEN IF U WANT TO SAY SOMETHING BAD U CNT BCZ U R TOOOOOOOOO GOOD FR THAT & who soever said that didnt meant to hurt me & NW I KNW U PEOPLE R NT BORING AT ALL

Anonymous said...

Sorry for my bad english. Thank you so much for your good post. Your post helped me in my college assignment, If you can provide me more details please email me.

LinkWithin

Blog Widget by LinkWithin