Wednesday, August 20, 2008

first backlog

Well it’s easy to say,” It doesn’t matter to me but somewhere it does matter.”
I am talking of getting your first backlog (as I got one in engineering). Only the person who has gone through this experience can understand what the meaning of getting a backlog is??
Well it doesn’t matter to everyone but only to those who have a sense of guilt. To many, it’s just the matter of luck, but how a person who hasn’t put all his efforts can blame luck?
Well I am talking about myself. Persons like me are never willing to work hard. So they have no other choice than to accept whatever destiny gives them & they accept it happily.
Most of the time I accept happily whatever comes to me, but this is only in case of studies because study is the only field in which I am not willing to put an extra effort so I have to accept whatever comes to me. As far as studies are concerned I am a very lazy and lethargic person but otherwise I am an extremely dynamic person. I don’t give up unless & until I get what I want. I feel very restless until I achieve my objective so I keep on trying harder & harder.
My attitude towards studies wasn’t like this before but even I didn’t realized when my attitude became like this. May be because I was too busy in exploring other expects of life that I started ignoring this one. I was a hard working student (not too hard working). To excel in exams was something that always propelled me to work harder. This attitude worked wonders for me & by the time I left my school life I was the topper. I do admit that in the last two years of my school life, I had stopped working that hard but still I was worried about my studies.
Well let’s not get carried away by that, coming back to the topic I have to say that when I first got to know from a friend of mine, that I had two backlogs in third semester, I was like “it’s ok doesn’t matter”, because I was expecting four backlogs so I accepted that happily. I was consoling others who got backlog with an attitude that “see I have backlog but still I am smiling”. But with the each passing second, I was getting into some sort of depression. It’s something that I am quite used to. This feeling was coming because of the fact that my classmates, whom I think are not as capable as I am, were all clear or had just one back log. Moreover almost all my close friends were all clear except two so I was feeling low. But then I got to know that I had just one backlog but still it was the same, I mean I had a backlog. The remark one of my friend when I told that I had only one backlog acted like an arrow straight at my heart. Unknowingly & unwillingly, my friend hurt me but that remark was a genuine one & wasn’t actually meant to hurt me. On that day I actually celebrated my failure with my closest friend. Till I was with her things were ok because she was also in same condition & we two shared our feelings & celebrated our failure. But things were not the same after that.
I being a very extrovert person always share everything that’s in my heart except a few things that are extremely personal to me & I don’t like sharing that with anyone not even with my closest friend. I am like an open book, whatever is going in my mind can be clearly seen on my face, so it was hard for me to pretend that I am fine & all that happened has no effect on me. Thank God, I had one of my closest friends with me who was in a similar position as that of mine so I was a bit relaxed with her. No one in my family knew about this except my cousin with whom I share most of my official problems (I mean problems related to study, career & all that). I could not tell my parents because they would scold me then as they always do, without even trying to understand their children. But this time they would have a genuine reason to scold me as I really didn’t gave that attention to my studies. I didn’t have that courage, I admit. So condition was even worse because for sharing anything about the trauma that I was going through, I had to wait for the college. I have used the word “trauma” because of the reason that when somebody is in some shock he or she will probably weep & after that he or she will feel light. This theory is more applicable for girls but I am an exception. In spite of being an emotional person I don’t weep or to be very precise I can say that tears don’t come out of my eyes. For me even a little emotional shock cause a great depression and it takes some time for me to get out of that, so this situation was a trauma for me. But only a few know about this thing about me, & I don’t want anyone to know my weakness because I want to built a very hard core image of mine & this thing doesn’t fit in that image. Why I want such image? The answer is still not clear to me. Well this may be because of the fact that I don’t have a brother & I somewhere I believe that I can be like that & to some extend I am like a tomboy. The other reason can be that I have I will live alone & for this I have to be strong.
So pretending to be happy was not easy & those who were close to me clearly understood that I was not fine but they were still unaware of what was actually going in my mind. When teachers were teaching, I only looked towards them without paying attention to what they were teaching because I was too lost in myself. At home pretending that everything is ok was even more difficult. It had become a sort of habit for me to come from college & start jotting down my experience on paper without talking to anyone. I was feeling very sad & lonely. Not because of the fact that I was actually alone but because I didn’t allowed anyone to come close to me. May be because I needed solitude & at the same time I was feeling like I am being ignored. I had developed a negative attitude. I was feeling jealous of my friends who were all clear. Strange! It was my fault & I was looking towards others like they were responsible for all that. That phase was very terrible because I could not speak up my mind. My solitude was my only companion. But somewhere I was actually feeling guilty because of the fact that I was genuinely responsible for this. Soon I got out of that phase & then I realized my friends were my greatest assets & they will always be. They were actually worried about me. I got to know about this after I realized that I should at least give them a chance to understand me & should speak to them. After I spoke to them, I was feeling very happy because they told me that they knew what I was going through & that’s why they were just giving space to me. But one of my friends had something different to say, she said she was angry with me as I was avoiding everyone & she wanted to scold me for that. I felt very happy after I got to know that because I always wanted my friends to be like that. I always want my friends to say anything to me as if they have full right on me, without fearing that how I would feel like. This is something I am going to remember for whole of my life. I’ll always be thankful to God for giving me such wonderful friends.
This was my first experience of getting first backlog & I hope the last also because I don’t know how I’ll feel if I’ll get another.


Anil Sharma @ said...

hello sister,

I just never got it in my life and will always try to avoid it

Your brother Anil Sharma

reeti said...

hiii!!! after reading ur blog i've come 2 know abt things that u've not shared with us, i think u must have kept them for ur blog...well !!!i didn't know that u r into writing a diary & all ... i think it's this habit dat has forced u to write blog!!! well!!! out of all of us 5 ,i can expect such things from uu only...TOMBOY... by d way i didn't know dat u find us boring!!!!! i think dat u've a wrong notion abt us!!! anyway!!!! after reading ur THE FIRST BACKLOG i've realized that u were really crestfallen at that time....although i knew dat time ,u were very disturbed ... u stopped talking with us for days together...ofcourse i can understand !!!!when something bad happens , everything seems to be negative.. well!!!! i hope that i was not d one to tell u that u got only one backlog abt whom u've mentioned in ur blog... although if i was , i never meant it that way!!!!how can one be happy when one's closest friend is sad??????? well!! i'll pray that u never ever get a backlog in last i would say that u just rock ... always remain d way u are and be my friend FOREVER!!!!!!!

passionate stubborn said...

reeti dear it's not u who said that. EVEN IF U WANT TO SAY SOMETHING BAD U CNT BCZ U R TOOOOOOOOO GOOD FR THAT & who soever said that didnt meant to hurt me & NW I KNW U PEOPLE R NT BORING AT ALL

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