Tuesday, August 26, 2008

me- a rebellion

I am known to be a rebellion in my family. I am not the one who will accept the things as they come to me. If I find something wrong I rebel. I being very short tempered & aggressive, get heated up very soon & without seeing with whom I am talking I just explode(this is the right word that I can use here).I can’t tolerate injustice of any kind. If somebody is talking something wrong, my blood starts boiling & I do object. So sometimes others feel that I don’t have manners (like my elder sister always say) but it’s not like that. Actually it’s in my blood. I being a Rajput ought to be like this. I don’t want to show others that I am proud to be a Rajput, it’s a fact actually. Sorry guruji (as I fondly call a friend of mine), I won’t say that again. Saying that I am a Rajput is like strengthening cast system which I don’t intend to. I am a human being first, then an Indian, then a Hindu, then a jammuite & only then a Rajput. Being a girl & that too belonging to a Rajput family & that too living in a rural area, you are bounded to so many restrictions (most of which aren’t imposed by your parents but by relatives & the society you live in). Some of these restrictions are justified because there should be something that makes you different from others, I am talking about your culture & tradition; and you should feel proud to follow that. But some restrictions don’t have any meaning, so why to follow them? Thank God I have very loving & understanding mom who always support me, no matter what others say or to be precise enough I can say I make my mom to support me (as she’s too innocent & sweet as well & I can easily change her mind).

my hate book

When anyone asks me if I hate someone or something, in most of the cases I say no, but it’s not true. I do hate many things. Let’s begin with myself. The thing that I hate about myself is my short tempered & stubborn attitude otherwise I am a self obsessed person who is in love with herself. I get heated up very soon over little things. I try to keep my cool but 4% of times I fail in college & this percentage increases to 95% at home. At college I am very calm & cool; and I lose my temper only if something is not going the way as it should be. Moreover I lose control over myself when it comes to my friends or my self esteem. But at home, I can hardly keep my cool & I get heated up instantly. I am trying to be more cool at home but let’s see how far it goes. Apart from this, I am very stubborn. Once I decide to do something then nothing in the world can change my mind & I am equally stubborn at college & home. I had once given the proof of my stubbornness to my classmates when everyone had decided to have mass bunk & I was the one who made them all to attend class, of course later on I found that I had done something wrong (as things really got out of control & there was a conflict between some classmates) & I even apologized for that. Now I think my stubbornness has come to a lower level but only in college not at home. At home even if I am doing something wrong, I’ll stick to that, no matter what others say.
Now coming to others, I hate people who make fun of others on the basis of their physical appearances. Then there are some people who keep on giving advices to others as they think they are very wise or they think they are perfect but actually they aren’t. Next in my hate book are the people who interfere in others’ matters. My elder sister is one among those who always interfere in my matters. She keeps on complaining about me to mom or dad. I don’t know when she’ll grow up? I hate those who hurt others sentiments even when they know they are doing so. My hate book also includes those who keep on bitching about others on their back & those who keep on praising themselves as they think they are very great & they don’t stop even after knowing that others are getting incredibly bored by their “bundles”. I don’t hate liars because I am also a liar & I believe lying should be in limits. It’s allowed until it harms someone.
I really want such people to change their attitude but before that I need to change mine because “you should be the change that you wish to see in the world”.

Monday, August 25, 2008

mass bunks

The thing which I am gonna miss the most about my college life (of course after I’ll complete my college) is mass bunk. From the first mass bunk that we had, every mass bunk is associated with great memories. I remember our first mass bunk (in first semester) when we were hiding ourselves from our professor. We were running upstairs, downstairs, corridor, to library, to canteen, to labs, to every place where we could hide our self, with bags, drafters, drawing sheets in our hands. But all our efforts were in vain, we were caught & we had to apologize for mass bunk. From then about 95% of the mass bunks are a big flop & only 5% are successful. Mostly we are caught up either by our principle or our H.O.D., then they scold us & after that we have to apologize. Some of us do take that scolding seriously (I am one of them) & decide that they won’t have bunks until there is a genuine reason for it. But this feeling lasts only for few days, then again we start bunking. It’s not that we always bunk on the cost of our studies, we bunk because it’s not easy to attend all the classes every day. Well, any excuse is enough for a wicked person, so we have a lot of excuses. The thing which I like about mass bunks is that, only during mass bunks we get a chance to share ideas & many more things with other classmates (who have gradually become friends). When I was new to college, I didn’t know anyone. Then I had five- six friends. It’s only because of these mass bunks, now almost every classmate is my friend. Life is a great teacher. Even these mass bunks have taught me something. If you want unity among the people you live, you have to compromise over some things. Firstly you have to give something & only you can demand something.

Sunday, August 24, 2008

Happy to help!

I am always there to help my friends whether it’s something related to studies or their personal problems. I do this because I feel extremely happy to help them. As soon as I enter the class, I start hearing echoes of my name & from then my so called “social work” starts. From pencil to assignments, I have everything that my classmates need (in most of the cases). If anyone needs anything, I or my best friend, are the first whom they’ll approach. Not only is this, making other’s assignments or a part of it, also a part of my social work. Even if I am in canteen, I have something to do, mostly it’s not my work but somebody’s else. Besides assignments, if anyone of my friend has any sort of problem they come to me. Mostly these problems include queries about something that I am very much aware of & they are not. I, honestly, don’t get tired of all this, instead I enjoy this. One of my problems is that I can’t say “no” to anyone. It’s very difficult for me so I have to help. It’s not that I am very intelligent or I am very hard working so they come to me. I am an average student who is not willing to work hard but I have a passion for helping others that’s why I do that. I know it sounds very funny but it’s true & I believe that you should have passion for everything you do. Moreover I am also a strong believer of the fact that if you help others, you’ll get their blessings. This fact has worked wonders for me. I don’t work that hard but still I get good results of anything I do. There’s one thing more, I want that who so ever comes in my life, should remember me for rest of his or her life so as far as possible I help others so that they’ll remember me.

Saturday, August 23, 2008

funny side up!

No doubt the ongoing agitation in Jammu region is a very serious issue but it has its funny side also. There are many light moments associated with it. I am damn sure when this agitation will be over (of course only after we, the jammuites, get our rights), we’ll have many things to remember of this agitation. Initially when this issue started, many people were not aware of what all this hype is about? Some rural, illiterate people were thinking as if that land was given to Pakistan. Some small children were thinking that that land was to be distributed among jammuites. One of my cousins was asking his father, “How much share of that we will get?” People who didn’t join rally would ask others returning from rallies, “So have you got the land?” & the reply will be like, “I have land here, I want that land for you” (of course just for fun). Small children are even more excited to take part in rallies. They have learned all the slogans by heart & they keep on chanting them all the time. Some children, who have just learned how to speak & who don’t even know who is Mehbooba Mufti or Omar Abdullah or N N Vohra, keep on saying “Mehbooba Mufti hai hai”, “Omar Abdullah hai hai”, N N Vohra hai hai”, etc. I belong to a rural area so I have examples from that only, I am sure people from cities will have more to tell. Everyone from old people to small kids, keep on discussing this land issue all the time. I am at home from the past one month & whenever my friends call me or I call my friends or when we are online, we also have the same issue to discuss. But we all desperately want this issue to be resolved soon.

what made me to start blogging?

I am a person who always keeps on exploring new things about life. What new things?? The thinking of people, their way of perceiving things, their lifestyles, etc. Keenly observing people around me is a hobby for me. Analyzing people & finding out their qualities (both good &bad) is something I am very interested in. There are many more things that I enjoy doing. While doing all this, I have collected many memories & I’ll keep on collecting in future also. In future when I’ll stop for a moment & look back in the past, I’ll find so many silly, funny, sweet & of course some painful memories also. I’ll surely miss all those moments of my life with no regrets about what I had done. I wish I can tell someone about all what I have done in my life, what hardships I have faced (well they are not many), what I have enjoyed, etc. I want to share my experiences but in today’s world no one is free enough to listen to anyone, so I found a better way to share my experiences, i.e. blogging. That’s why I started writing blogs.

Friday, August 22, 2008

struggle of jammu

I am a second year engineering student from Jammu, who is just waiting to get into the third year. I have given three of my exams of fourth semester & three are still left. Due to ongoing agitation in Jammu, my exams are getting postponed again & again. I don’t know will I be ever able to get admission in third year or not?
This is not my problem only, but lakhs of students from Jammu are facing the same problem. It has been near about two months since the whole Jammu is burning & there seems no end to this fire. To be very honest, I don’t know everything about this land issue except that 800 kanals of mountainous land was given to Shri Amarnath Shrine Board (SASB) & then it was taken back. The agitation is for restoration of land to SASB. I think if that land is to be used for the betterment of pilgrims then the locals of Kashmir shouldn’t object at this, after all pilgrims increase economy of our state. Actually agitation of people of Jammu is justified for the fact that they have always been ignored both by central as well as the state government for the past 61 years since J&K was included in India. This agitation which is being carried out in Jammu for the past two months is the result of suppression of people of Jammu. Firstly people started this agitation under the leadership of some political leaders but now they don’t need any representation. This is the struggle for their rights. Despite of larger area & greater population of Jammu, Jammu has fewer seats in legislative assembly & gets fewer shares in the central funds. Not only this there are a lot more examples of partiality against Jammu. People of Kashmir are also carrying out agitation but by burning tricolor & raising Pakistan’s flag, so now it has became nationalism of Jammu versus antinationalism of Kashmir. People of Jammu have never raised their voice against any issue but now the limit is crossed. This agitation is about their religious sentiments & of course the struggle for their rights. Everyone, here in Jammu, is suffering from the past two months, but no one is willing to stop this agitation because this time the limit is crossed. Women, children, senior citizens & even infants are taking part in this agitation. You can hear slogans like “bam bam bhole”, “desh ke gaddaron ko goli maro salo ko”, “Mehbooba mufti hai hai” etc from little children who have just learned how to speak.
I am not a political leader nor I am supporting any political party, I am one among the students of Jammu, who is also suffering in this but like others not willing to stop this until we get our rights. For about the past one month, I haven’t met any of my friends. We can’t exchange messages as SMS’s are banned here. What can be worse than being away from your friends for such a long time? We desperately want to meet our friends but we have been locked in our homes.
I can just hope that soon our government will wake up from hibernation & take some action of course in favor of people of Jammu.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

first backlog

Well it’s easy to say,” It doesn’t matter to me but somewhere it does matter.”
I am talking of getting your first backlog (as I got one in engineering). Only the person who has gone through this experience can understand what the meaning of getting a backlog is??
Well it doesn’t matter to everyone but only to those who have a sense of guilt. To many, it’s just the matter of luck, but how a person who hasn’t put all his efforts can blame luck?
Well I am talking about myself. Persons like me are never willing to work hard. So they have no other choice than to accept whatever destiny gives them & they accept it happily.
Most of the time I accept happily whatever comes to me, but this is only in case of studies because study is the only field in which I am not willing to put an extra effort so I have to accept whatever comes to me. As far as studies are concerned I am a very lazy and lethargic person but otherwise I am an extremely dynamic person. I don’t give up unless & until I get what I want. I feel very restless until I achieve my objective so I keep on trying harder & harder.
My attitude towards studies wasn’t like this before but even I didn’t realized when my attitude became like this. May be because I was too busy in exploring other expects of life that I started ignoring this one. I was a hard working student (not too hard working). To excel in exams was something that always propelled me to work harder. This attitude worked wonders for me & by the time I left my school life I was the topper. I do admit that in the last two years of my school life, I had stopped working that hard but still I was worried about my studies.
Well let’s not get carried away by that, coming back to the topic I have to say that when I first got to know from a friend of mine, that I had two backlogs in third semester, I was like “it’s ok doesn’t matter”, because I was expecting four backlogs so I accepted that happily. I was consoling others who got backlog with an attitude that “see I have backlog but still I am smiling”. But with the each passing second, I was getting into some sort of depression. It’s something that I am quite used to. This feeling was coming because of the fact that my classmates, whom I think are not as capable as I am, were all clear or had just one back log. Moreover almost all my close friends were all clear except two so I was feeling low. But then I got to know that I had just one backlog but still it was the same, I mean I had a backlog. The remark one of my friend when I told that I had only one backlog acted like an arrow straight at my heart. Unknowingly & unwillingly, my friend hurt me but that remark was a genuine one & wasn’t actually meant to hurt me. On that day I actually celebrated my failure with my closest friend. Till I was with her things were ok because she was also in same condition & we two shared our feelings & celebrated our failure. But things were not the same after that.
I being a very extrovert person always share everything that’s in my heart except a few things that are extremely personal to me & I don’t like sharing that with anyone not even with my closest friend. I am like an open book, whatever is going in my mind can be clearly seen on my face, so it was hard for me to pretend that I am fine & all that happened has no effect on me. Thank God, I had one of my closest friends with me who was in a similar position as that of mine so I was a bit relaxed with her. No one in my family knew about this except my cousin with whom I share most of my official problems (I mean problems related to study, career & all that). I could not tell my parents because they would scold me then as they always do, without even trying to understand their children. But this time they would have a genuine reason to scold me as I really didn’t gave that attention to my studies. I didn’t have that courage, I admit. So condition was even worse because for sharing anything about the trauma that I was going through, I had to wait for the college. I have used the word “trauma” because of the reason that when somebody is in some shock he or she will probably weep & after that he or she will feel light. This theory is more applicable for girls but I am an exception. In spite of being an emotional person I don’t weep or to be very precise I can say that tears don’t come out of my eyes. For me even a little emotional shock cause a great depression and it takes some time for me to get out of that, so this situation was a trauma for me. But only a few know about this thing about me, & I don’t want anyone to know my weakness because I want to built a very hard core image of mine & this thing doesn’t fit in that image. Why I want such image? The answer is still not clear to me. Well this may be because of the fact that I don’t have a brother & I somewhere I believe that I can be like that & to some extend I am like a tomboy. The other reason can be that I have I will live alone & for this I have to be strong.
So pretending to be happy was not easy & those who were close to me clearly understood that I was not fine but they were still unaware of what was actually going in my mind. When teachers were teaching, I only looked towards them without paying attention to what they were teaching because I was too lost in myself. At home pretending that everything is ok was even more difficult. It had become a sort of habit for me to come from college & start jotting down my experience on paper without talking to anyone. I was feeling very sad & lonely. Not because of the fact that I was actually alone but because I didn’t allowed anyone to come close to me. May be because I needed solitude & at the same time I was feeling like I am being ignored. I had developed a negative attitude. I was feeling jealous of my friends who were all clear. Strange! It was my fault & I was looking towards others like they were responsible for all that. That phase was very terrible because I could not speak up my mind. My solitude was my only companion. But somewhere I was actually feeling guilty because of the fact that I was genuinely responsible for this. Soon I got out of that phase & then I realized my friends were my greatest assets & they will always be. They were actually worried about me. I got to know about this after I realized that I should at least give them a chance to understand me & should speak to them. After I spoke to them, I was feeling very happy because they told me that they knew what I was going through & that’s why they were just giving space to me. But one of my friends had something different to say, she said she was angry with me as I was avoiding everyone & she wanted to scold me for that. I felt very happy after I got to know that because I always wanted my friends to be like that. I always want my friends to say anything to me as if they have full right on me, without fearing that how I would feel like. This is something I am going to remember for whole of my life. I’ll always be thankful to God for giving me such wonderful friends.
This was my first experience of getting first backlog & I hope the last also because I don’t know how I’ll feel if I’ll get another.

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